Solutions

We all want to do everything just right, but no-one is perfect. To err is human. Still, no-one enjoys having their weaknesses pointed out to them. And people are certainly not happy about taking the rap for errors they are not even responsible for. Nonetheless, it is possible to learn to react appropriately to criticism and to turn it to your advantage.

The basis: self-esteem

People who do not believe in themselves generally find it hard to accept criticism: they often see critical comments as an attack on them rather than a judgement of what they have done.

More self-confident people can usually deal with criticism better as they know both their weaknesses and their strengths. They are comfortable with themselves and can recognise criticism for what it is: an assessment of something they have done – something that has not hit the mark this time.

Thus, when you are criticised, remember that it is not a question of whether you are likeable, or even if you pass muster as a human being. It is just about whether you have solved a task correctly; whether you have done the right thing in a certain situation.

How can you improve your self-esteem?

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Don’t beat yourself up out of all proportion for every error and weakness, while seeing everything you do well as a matter of course – or not seeing it at all. Give yourself some praise! Take a few minutes out to write down everything you like about yourself. Everything you are especially good at, that sets you apart. You will soon see how good it is for you, and feel a lot better.

Real criticism or just bad temper?

Is your boss stomping grouchily around the office, or did he slam the door behind him after giving you a telling-off? Don’t take it to heart too soon; consider whether you are the real target, or whether he might actually be annoyed about the management, the supervisory board, a customer or maybe even his wife.

If you come to the conclusion that it’s not actually about you at all, then simply forgive him his rudeness with good grace.

Taking it all out on the secretary?

Do you really have to take every blow? Only for as long as you can bear it. If it gets too much for you, approach your boss about it – though if he has now got you worked up, first count to ten or leave the room until you have calmed down a little.

Avoid accusations. Express understanding for his situation and then calmly and objectively make it plain that while you empathise with his anger you can only support him if he tells you what the real problem is.

If one effect of your boss’s bad temper is that he constantly picks at you, confront him politely with his accusations. Ask him to explain exactly what he wants to express by criticising you. Explain that you can only change your behaviour if you know precisely what it is that bothers him or what, in his opinion, you have done wrong. This will force him to take a closer look at his accusations – and he will probably realise that though he was attacking you, his real target should actually have been someone else.

How should you react to criticism?

It is important to take the right angle: first of all, take criticism positively – as feedback you need in order to improve.

It is, however, important to distinguish between justified and unjustified, objective or unobjective criticism, and to react accordingly.

Criticism: the start of a dialogue

Do not allow anyone to drop unwarranted criticism on you in passing. If your boss does not have enough time to discuss matters in more detail, ask for an appointment.

He too will generally feel uncomfortable about having to criticise your work. Show that you are ready for a discussion and make it clear that you do not hold his remarks against him, but are pleased to hear open, honest comments as they can help you change your ways.

Take an active role: approach your boss and ask how satisfied he is with your work. Do not put up with him only speaking to you when you have done something wrong; call for regular assessments of your work. Prepare well for these chats: think about what subjects you would like to put on the agenda. Take stock of the projects you have completed with him. If you cannot see where the assessment is coming from, ask questions. Then sum up his criticism and comments in your own words to avoid any misunderstanding.

In everyday life it is easy to forget how important it is also to mention when something has gone well. Regular assessment interviews provide a good chance to do so.

Take care that the atmosphere is pleasant. Avoid situations in which you feel as if you are at the dentist’s. You are not small and insignificant: you are entitled to a fair discussion on an equal footing.

Face up to your mistakes

It may not be easy, but accepting justified criticism shows how big you are. Thus, when you are confronted with an error, do not automatically adopt a defensive stance. If something really has gone wrong it makes no sense to deny everything or start out on long explanations. “I’m sorry; I should have been more careful. I'll make sure it doesn't happen again in future." It takes a lot of willpower to utter a sentence like this, but it takes the wind from the other person's sails. There is nothing more to be said; the topic has been dealt with. And at the same time you have shown that you are capable of learning and taking criticism.

Do not accept every critical comment

If you are absolutely certain that the criticism is unjustified, you should reject it politely but firmly. Do not take the blame for mistakes you have not made, and do not allow yourself to be criticised for something you are entirely positive was the right thing to do. There is no reason to go around in a sackcloth and ashes all the time. Sometimes you have to defend your convictions and stand by what you have done – this too is all part of being self-assured.

And what if things get nasty?

“Sue, the work you handed in yesterday was fit for the bin. A load of rubbish from start to finish. It’s unbelievable: surely you must be able to create a simple presentation?

Not everyone is capable of expressing criticism objectively. Some manage it most of the time, others never do. Nevertheless, no-one has the right to hurt your feelings.

When the situation gets too much for you, don’t sulk, don’t suffer in silence and whatever you do don’t burst into tears! Solve a simple maths problem in your head; it will switch your brain from an emotional state to a logical mode, and you will be able to manage your feelings better (which is why it also helps to count to ten). Let the other person finish talking – at some point their anger will fizzle out. Use that opportunity to switch to an objective discussion. Don’t snap back at them; ask them to discuss the problem matter-of-factly. If that doesn’t work then it is absolutely appropriate to interrupt the conversation: “John, I think it will be better if we talk about this calmly later. I can only improve if I know exactly what bothers you and what was wrong, so I would like us to talk about it unemotionally and calmly.”

When you are criticised in front of others

“We all know that tidiness is not exactly one of our friend Chris’s strong points…”

It often makes a lot of sense to let minor telling-offs pass with a good-humoured, self-critical smile. Don’t turn every molehill into a mountain, and don’t make such a big deal of small comments that this really ensures they stick in everyone’s minds.

“Kelly, you really need to learn how to prepare decent presentations. I don’t like the stuff you come up with at all.”

If someone criticises you in this way in front of others, then wait until a quiet moment comes up and ask them not to make remarks of this kind in front of others in future.

“We've lost our most important customer thanks to you."

Don’t let generalised criticism pass. Ask for proof. Explain why you acted as you did and put what happened in the right context.

Discussion-stoppers

“That’ll never work.” “We tried that before and it didn't work." “You’ll never get permission for that.”

Don’t let people crush your ideas with generalised criticism. Ask them to prove their point. Killjoys and obstructionists can be found everywhere – but you mustn't let them win. Start out by trying to ignore discussion-stoppers. Simply carry on with your line of argument. If that doesn’t help, however, it is sometimes necessary to hit back with a repartee: “There goes Bill seeing the glass as half-empty as usual." Come on, Bill, try something new for a change. You’re not usually a quitter.” What man wants to be seen as a coward?

Last but not least

Your boss is only human, too. He too wants praise and recognition from time to time. Thank him for honest discussion and constructive criticism.

Image: Getty Images