Solutions

It’s not always just about small talk. Conversations often have a very specific aim. To achieve these aims, it is important to bear in mind some rules for holding conversations.

In fact, observing just a few, very simple rules will help make your discussions fair. Still, you will not learn to apply them overnight. After all, every day we hold an endless number of conversations – important and unimportant – and hardly pay any attention to the way we are doing it. So first of all, take note of how you act during conversations and then try to apply some rules bit by bit. You will be amazed at what you suddenly become aware of and how the course of your conversations will change.

Rule 1: stick to the rules of the game

If you expect others to act fairly during a discussion, you too need to keep to the rules. If you constantly interrupt others you cannot expect them not to do the same. If you do not take the other person's arguments seriously, why should they then consider your theories? Just two examples of many which show that Kant's categorical imperative applies just as well to conversation: only do unto others what you would have them do unto you.

Rule 2: listen

Only good listeners can give good answers: only if you listen carefully can you take in nuances, pick up on hints or subtleties – and react accordingly.

Rule 3: think

The old saying is quite right: think before you speak. Reflect on what the other person is saying and do not respond too quickly. Ill-considered comments – assertions, promises or accusations – can put you in an unpleasant situation which could be avoided. You can only stay ahead if you use your head.

Rule 4: keep it short

Another familiar principle is KISS: keep it short and simple. Don’t talk the other person to death. Let others have a say from time to time – and don’t cut them off. However, if someone is talking non-stop and preventing a conversation from continuing with a never-ending flood of words, it is not only permissible, but even advisable to interrupt them politely. After all, other people also have something to say.

Rule 5: be truthful

You can only communicate successfully if you are convincing; and you only appear convincing if you are genuine and truthful. The accuracy of this rule is shown by countless politicians every day announcing “truths” they themselves no longer believe in the slightest – making them sound completely false.

Rule 6: stay calm

Stick to the saying “more haste, less speed” and don’t let anything unsettle you. Wait through breaks and use them to reflect. If you are not sure whether you have understood what was said, then ask. In this way you can avoid misunderstandings which could lead to complications. If in doubt, sum up what people have said so that they can be certain their comments have been understood.

Rule 7: no channel-hopping

It might be fine when watching television, but in conversation it should be taboo: channel-hopping. Make sure that you stay on topic and point it out politely to the other person if they are digressing. Otherwise you can be sure that in the end, no-one will know what the conversation was about.

Rule 8: no buzzwords

Avoid buzzwords and do not allow others to use them. Only real arguments are convincing. Expose hot air by asking questions. Dig deeper and ask the other person to explain what they wanted to express. Do not simply accept vagueness but ask for a more precise definition.

Rule 9: use vivid imagery

He gets on my back; we’re simply not on the same wavelength; we brought her on board far too late; we’ve missed the boat: our language is full of imagery. Use it and do not speak too theoretically, as imagery or metaphors make what you say more vivid and thus more memorable. Allow some emotion into what you say and always back up your theories with practical examples.

Rule 10: take command

Try to keep your hand on the wheel and do not get pushed into the passenger seat. That is the only way that you can have an influence on the route and destination – the course the conversation takes and its outcome. Keeping in line with these first nine rules will help you do so.